If I could choose a bible verse that summarizes my testimony, it would be Psalms 119:50, “My comfort in my suffering is this; Your promise preserves my life.”
My life has been preserved so that I can tell my story and minister to someone.
At the age of twenty years old, I was diagnosed with Bulimia Nervosa after an eight year battle with something that I had no idea could ruin my life the way that it did. I refused to believe that I was sick until I found myself sitting in an admissions coordinator’s office at The Renfrew Center and was given the option of going to inpatient treatment because I was practically dying.
I say that literally and figuratively… dying. It is not an easy word; it is one that I cannot come to terms with sometimes especially after losing someone so close to me almost two years ago.
I remember my therapist outside of treatment asking me, “What does recovery look like for you?”
I pondered on the thought and had so much anxiety thinking about life without an eating disorder. Who would I be completely recovered? How do I let this go?
Recovery seemed to be impossible.
“Who would I be completely recovered?” I asked myself that day. I had just finished reading “Life Without ED” and felt nervous about dinner. I had been looking into going back into residential treatment for a second time. The day before that I restricted, and a couple days before that, I made myself sick after a meal.
Today I answer my own question, “Who would I be completely recovered?”
Today, I am completely recovered. One hundred percent recovered from my eating disorder.
I no longer rely on an empty stomach, nor a porcelain toilet to tell me who I should be, nor how I should look. I no longer count calories, fitting rooms and the gym no longer hold my fears, and I express myself more. (Hello fellow readers, here I am being expressive!)
I deepened my level of prayer and spent more time with the Lord and slowly but ever so surely, I began to look in the mirror and see someone powerful, worthy of love, and amazing in everything she does.
I stopped viewing myself as less than and started viewing myself the way Jesus sees me, “fearfully and wonderfully made,” (Psalms 139:14) and knowing that He has the final word in everything He does.
He had the final say when He determined my body shape, my height, and everything about me that makes me insecure. It was time I stopped trusting what outside influences said about my body and it was time I trusted who created me.
I could sit here and tell you that having an eating disorder destroyed my life, instead I will tell you that it gave me life. What was meant to kill me brought me back to life.
It is truly nothing but God’s mercy that has allowed me to sit here two years since I started my recovery journey, healed, delivered, made whole, and free.
I am free from who I used to be.
The person you see now is completely different from the person I once was a year ago, maybe even six months ago.
Depression did not win.
Anxiety did not win.
Suicide and suicidal thoughts did not win.
Bulimia did not win.
Jesus won, and with that, I’ve won too.
“I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done.” Psalms 118:17
I’m alive, well nourished, and I am now in school as a Psychology major with a Mental Health minor in hopes of professionally helping another person through their recovery journey. Someone needs to hear my story, and I think that as a woman of color my story is just as important as anyone else’s.
I created this blog as a way to get my story out there and to give someone hope.
My life has a purpose.
Yours does too.
If you haven’t found your purpose, I hope you find it and live with intention.
Live.
Someone needs you.
As always, my DM’s and messages are always open for prayer requests, a conversation, and a simple hello. (@thebeautifulwonder on Instagram and Facebook, as well as @javannahev on my personal Instagram)
Thank you for reading, whoever you are.
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