I want my next relationship to end with a simple question, “Will you marry me?”
I talked to God and told Him that I wanted to be single for a year.
I meant it.
I had given up on love and even shuttered at the thought of someone asking me out on a simple date.
Commitment and I had a wide gap in between us and I had already come to terms with the fact that I could be single for the rest of my life. Sadly, I felt content with that thought.
In this new season that I’m in, I’m learning that being in love is anything but “disgusting” as I used to call it, and that it is normal to have feelings.
I blocked off my feelings to the point where I self-sabotaged myself, even when it came down to having a crush. You read that correctly, a crush. The thought I had about being single forever has vanished.
Truth be told, I’ve had a crush on the same person on and off for about a year.
“Be friends.” I can hear my mother’s voice say. Yes, we’d be friends, hopefully he’ll ask me out, and we’ll be married with four kids and live within distance from our parents and live happily ever after and whatnot. I’m obviously getting too far ahead of myself.
Now here’s the real shocker… we have yet to have a conversation.
I could talk to him, but I get butterflies that flood my stomach and the shakiness in my hands when I see him, and I want to talk to him, but my nervousness makes me want to throw up. If you know, you know.
How do you have a crush on someone for an entire year and have yet to talk to them?
Simple. You pray about them.
It could be avoidance, but trust me, those prayers are working better than a simple conversation. Is this a reach? Maybe, maybe not.
We’ve direct messaged on Instagram and sat near each other at bible study a couple times (one time we were two seats away from each other, and another time we were at a conference together and I tried to work up the courage to ask him and his friend group if we could hang out because I was the only one without a friend), Can we talk about the way he worships and sings with such joy? It’s honestly so inspiring to see.
Regardless of whether or not we speak in person, I’m embracing this single season, giving it to God, and continuing to keep this situation in prayer.
So, I’m doing what Jesus says to do in Matthew 6:33 “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” That’s not to say that my crush may or may not be the one that God has for me, but He knows His purpose for my life. I just need to trust seek His direction for my life more and place my cares and worries in His hands.
One day I’ll work up the courage to be friends with my crush outside of Instagram, but for now I’ll keep praying not as avoidance, but that His will is done in this and that I continue to seek Him in all things that I may face.
On that note, I’m going to conclude this article with a link to “Relationship Goals” by Pastor Mike Todd, this sermon series has been such a blessing in my single life and it has equipped me for this new position in my life. Listen to it, it will not disappoint you.
Stay blessed, read your bible, pray, and watch Relationship Goals!
Stop what you’re doing and WATCH THIS!!!!!
As always, my DM’s and messages are always open for prayer requests, a conversation, and a simple hello. (@thebeautifulwonder on Instagram and Facebook, as well as @javannahev on my personal Instagram)
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